How im feeling
Tuesday, December 30, 2008, 12:38 AM
Moments when u thought u have it all planned out, it all crumbles down with your hopes and dreams dashed.
Im feeling way too low now,no one knows what im actually suffering from right now. Im happening to be suffering from depression. I dont know how im getting this but yea. Its truely happening. I may be smiling and joking like i always do but this is the cold hard truth.
Khairyl Azuan is currently suffering from depression. Thanks for reading.Labels: A story has ended
Point Blank
Monday, December 22, 2008, 10:13 PM
Today, went to work as usual. Thought that i was done with front office but suddenly i got called down to help out there cause one of the staff was on MC. What a joke..I mean i was sweating from doing housekeeping and i had to wear on my hotel jacket. Eee,what a joke it was. To make matters worst, 5mins into doing my work i started sneezing and my nose was suddenly unplugged. I mean water was literally dripping down like a fault faucet. DARN~
After like an hour or so, i went back up.. Did the usual housekeeping stuff and well throughout the whole cleaning process, i really felt groggy and like i was going to die.
What's happening to me?? I feel as though im becoming more and more unwell,sick,retarded,lame and *insert whatever word u want to say*.
It's like as though life has no more meaning for me. Wake up, work, sleep. This are like the three main things that i always do. I can't even get a decent day of slacking or catching up with friends without my mind constatly thinking about work. Argh~
People often say : "Too much work and no play makes jack a dull boy"
Well, i really think i'm becoming jack.. Not jack and the beanstalk but jack the retardo. My brain's getting all retarded. I'm like thinking of weird things,weird ways of doing things. It's like there's a voice in my head telling me to do stuff that i shouldnt be doing. Like overdosing on my pills in my room. Imagine this, I got around 6 small plastic bags of medicines in my room from my visit to the polyclinic. That's how sick im becoming.
Life without a girlfriend, to simply put it in one word : PAINFUL
In malay, i can say that "Aku sudah hilang tempat bermanja"
I got no one to talk to in the night time,no one to fill up my inbox,no one to spend my money and time on. Totally zilch, like im totally frigging bored to the max now without anyone by my side. Finding a girl to close that big hole in my heart seems harder then expected. I don't deny being a flirt or casanova in the pass, but here i am now being a nice/good guy.. And im finding it soo frigging difficult to find even the most basic type of girl.. What in the world is really going on with me.
See this post right now people. This is like the longest post im ever typing. Im writing everything that comes into my mind at this moment. I want to cry :(
But the F***ed up thing is that i can't cry..I sorta forgot how to cry normally. When i was a kid my parents told me that i didn't even cry. What sorta child hood did i have if i didn't even cry??
Im beginning to think that all of this thats happening to me is just a dream. Im dreaming that all this mishaps are happening to me. But everytime i open my eyes, things don't change. They just coincidentally keeps coming and gets worser everytime. I'm feeling like i'm not even an existing person. Im just some fabrication in the universe. Someone who shouldn't have been born. Someone who is to bear the boon of being a loser throughout his life. Life's making a mockery out of me now. People are mocking me when im not looking. I fell totally unappreciated. Not totally, cause i know they are people out they who appreciate what i've done for them..But majority of them despise me for who i was and for who i am now.
IM A LONER, destined to live my life alone.. A slave for time, no freedom, no enjoyment, no nothing shit..
Am i suffering from depression now?? Cause im feeling really low when i got nothing to do, i feel weird everytime im left alone in my room. Should i go consult someone about this?? I already have a record for being too aggresive..I've been to IMH for anger management. Dont tell me i have to go back there again to seek help for depression now?
What the frigging shit is going on with me man??????
I'm suppose to get PAS A for NS but when i spoke of my anger management at IMH, the doctor gave a long "hmmmm" and withouht hesitation, he said PAS B.. What u trying to mean dude?? That im not fit for PAS A?? That i could be a menace to people during my NS??
Alright, i really got nothing more to say now,imma just go and smoke a stick.. Relaxs myself abit and maybe, hopefully die a terrible death.Labels: I got shot
Reality Check
Friday, December 12, 2008, 12:37 AM
Till this date, i've always helped people who are in need and never got and help instead. Now i've really made up my mind this time to actually start finding my own help/solutions.
Not having a girlfriend is really boring me out as i really got no one to hold late night conversations with,no gf to give me the advise of the day,no gf to share my ups and downs with..No one is around when i really need comfort/care/concern. I alway's wake up for work with no msges in my inbox,no miss calls and yet going home is still the same thing.. Although there are a few kind souls out there who do care bout me and shower me with abit of their precious time. But still,i really need a permanent person to be there for me and for me to be there for her.
All my life, getting dumped by girls after helping them sort out their problems have always been some sort of a habit. Blame it on myself because i think i have a magnet that is attracting me to girls with problems. Be it problems with their x's,probs with family,probs with coping with maturity and etc.
I'm really hoping for once in my whole goddamn friggin life that i can find a girl whose totally different then the rest.Not screaming for me to help them out sort out their problems and such stuff...For once,im totally sick and tired of that shit. For those i've helped with regarding their issues,u can still consult me because u people are being privillaged by me to have follow-ups. So no worries..The queue for help has officially ended since the 12th of Dec(12.46am)..
So any single ladies out there who are having the same problem as me.Please do find me.Or god,please show me a sign at least.
Labels: Vacancy
Untitled~
Friday, December 5, 2008, 8:32 PM
The man without a face,
lives a life with no identity;
Shot by a bullet,
he feels the pain of a million death;
Gasping for air : he struggles,
only to realize no one is there to comfort;
He lives a life of a lone wolf,
being free of all;
Now his last few minutes,
wasted being a man with no face at all.
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